I was thinking about this whole Libya mess and how Colonel Gadhafi has been a thorn in the side of the free world since the days of Reagan when he went by the name of Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.
One major issue that has strikes me is that Colonel Gadhafi is only a Colonel. I mean he’s not even a general. He has the same rank as Colonel Sanders. And he makes fried chicken. Really good fried chicken, but fried chicken nonetheless.
And the rank of Colonel is the equivalent to the navy’s rank of Captain. Much like a beloved Captain we all know, Captain Crunch. A guy who makes sugary cereal with a prize in every box. And that prize is Type II Diabetes.
We all know that both fried chicken and Captain Crunch cereal is loaded with carbs. And carbs is what raises blood sugar levels, releasing insulin, preventing stored fat from being released to be used as energy, making us fatter.
So pretty much everyone with the rank of Colonel is required by their rank to produce some sort of delicious carbs to make Americans fatter.
And guess what? It’s working.
According to a recent study I just completed by going to Walmart for five minutes, there is an increasing percentage of Americans becoming obese and developing diabetes. As we all know, Type I Diabetes is the destruction of beta cells, Type II is resistance to insulin, and Type III causes the victim to pay to see romantic comedies starring Katherine Heigl .
This effectiveness is the reason why Colonel Gadhafi refuses to become a General. If he did, he would lose all his evil powers. Much like Darth Vader without the force, or Voldemort without his magic, or Jimmy Buffet without his crappy music.
So what should America do? Since we can’t make him a different rank, we should rob him of the effectiveness of that rank. We should do what has always worked for America in the past. Taxing stuff.
We tax behavior that our parents in government think is destructive. So we should tax carbs. Just like the tax on cigarettes. Ever since the tax on cigarettes was implemented, smoking was all but eliminated in the U.S.
This tax will raise the price of production of carbs so high that Colonels across the globe will be forced into other businesses. Because Gadhafi has other skills, he would then focus on those. Skills such as public speaking, wearing sunglasses, and looking like a villain from Miami Vice.
So America, do what we do best. Tax stuff. Tax for freedom. Tax for justice. Tax us for our own good.
Even if there is just one less romantic comedy starring Katherine Heigl in this world, it would have been worth it.