Uh-uh-oh!  It's that time of year again where we focus our attention on things that truly matter in the eternal sense.  Because what has transpired?  The voting portion of American Idol. 

 

Now I suppose you all have been craving my expert insight into American Idol.  But before you get the wrong idea, my insight does not come from dabbling into the occult even though many people believe that success in the music industry is closely aligned with the occult.  This theory is given credence when considering such successful acts such as Train, Sean Paul, Gavin Degraw, Korn, System of a Down, any artist with the word "lil'" in front of their name - and of course any artist who sings on a Santana song.  I mean it's not even all that tricky.  Satan… Santana.  Geez.  I mean it's like they're not even trying to hide it anymore.

 

So if you don't follow American Idol, I'll sum up the show…

 

The first quarter of the show is showing all the morons at the auditions who think they can sing but totally can't. 

 

The second quarter is the people who made it through the auditions and showing any drama that happens. 

 

The third quarter is when the competition really begins.  Twelve girls and twelve guys are selected as finalists.  We see them sing, and then we vote to keep who we want to stay on till the next week.

 

Notice I did not say, "we vote for the singer we liked the best."  That's because many people vote for a singers that they like but that who are also venerable to get kicked off the show. 

 

Also, you have to think just like politics.  You have different "parties".  Democrats, Republicans, Green Party, House Party II, etc.  There are different voting blocks in America, the largest of which I call "Soccer Moms".  The reality is that some 55-year-old dad isn't going to care that much to vote.  But a mom will.  You also have to realize that there is the "Red" vote.  Just like in the presidential election, you have to understand that there are a lot of people who listen to country music and hate anything that uses the words "Michael" and "Jackson" in combination, or the words "slow jams," to describe a song.

 

Never will you see two of the same type of singer in the top 4.  If you have Democrats voting for Gore and Nader, then they split the vote and one gets booted off, while Bush moves through to the next round.

 

Another thing to think about is that people are voting for people, not singers.  People vote for people they like and want to see week to week.  They don't want an awesome singer if they act like Tom Cruise.  So likeability and personality is huge.

 

Okay now onto what I think of the Top 12 Girls:

 

Name: Mandisa

Party Affiliation: Black Power Gospel

While she has power, I was looking for richness that wasn't there – especially on jumps to high notes.  It just didn't totally materialize.  She will make it really far.  She's a good singer and she's a really nice girl.

 

Name: Kellie Pickler

Party Affiliation: Country / Red States

Kellie is just so all-American-apple-pie.  She is gonna get tons and tons of votes just cause shes cute, has a killer personality and has the sympathy vote due to her home life.  She is a decent singer, but lacks power on high nites.  She picked a good song with good range so she got to show off even though she needs a little vocal coaching so she can kill the higher notes.  She will improve over the course of the show. 

Name: Becky O'Donahue

Party Affiliation: Generic

I'm not gonna waste too much time on this.  She picked a terrible song with poor arrangement and no high vote-getter notes.  But it really didn't matter cause she doesn't have enough weapons to get votes.  She's okay. 

 

Name: Ayla Brown

Party Affiliation: Generic

She's the basketball player girl.  She sounded good on a Christina Agullera song minus a stumble on a power note.  Not enough weapons.  Not bad.

 

Name: Paris

Party Affiliation: Black gospel / Motown

She totally picked a great song.  Probably the best song choice of the night.  Really good singer, great performer.  She's gonna make it really far, she'll beat out Mandisa if this week is any indication.

 

Name: Steve Scott

Party Affiliation: Generic

Forget it.  She's so gone.  Apparently she sings classical/opera, but she just sang in all head-voice and it just was boring. 

 

Name: Brenna Gethers

Party Affiliation: Jerk

If you watched any of the previous episodes you know that she's mean and just needs to go.  Which means she's gonna stay on for about ten weeks longer than I want her to be around.

 

Name: Heather Cox

Party Affiliation: Generic

Okay.  Whatever.

 

Name: Melissa McGhee

Party Affiliation: Generic

She actually has a cool tone – it's really dark and husky.  But she has no charisma so she won't make it too far.  But I do like her singing.

 

Name: Lisa Tucker

Party Affiliation: Gospel

Okay, everyone thinks she's like this great singer, but anyone who would vote for her is going to vote for Paris or Mandisa first. 

 

Name: Kinnik Sky

Party Affiliation: Gospel

Another one of these gospel type singer.  She'll be the first of her party to go.

 

Name: Katharine McPhee

Party Affiliation: Independent

This girl can totally sing.  Technically she was the best of the night.  Not the best song choice or arrangement – no big high note vote-getters, but I actually thought she almost didn't need them she was so good. She's really cute too with good personality.  She's actually the best singer – but won't be the top vote getter cause some of the other personalities are stronger.  My favorite of the girls.

 

So here's the six who should make it to the next round:

Mandisa, Kellie, Paris, Katherine McPhee, Melissa McGhee, Lisa Tucker

 

Okay, that took too long so here's the Top 12 guys really quick…

 

Ace Young – Generic

Yeah, he sang George Michael.  Okay voice. 

 

Bobby Bennet – Weird

He'll be the first to go.  Barry Manilo?  Come on.

 

Bucky Covington – Southern Rocker

He totally oversang, but he does have a good voice.  I like him.

 

Chris Daughtry – Rocker

Sang Bon Jovi, but out did the original.  He's a great rock singer.

 

David Radford – Crooner

Crooners just don't have the versatility to do well vocally in this competition.  He was just boring.

 

Elliot Yamin – Independent

He does have a really good voice, but nothing else going for him. 

 

Gideon McKinney – Motown

Wrong song.  He didn't have the charisma in his voice to pull off the song.  Boring.

 

Jose 'Sway' Penala – R&B

You know how to make me mad?  Sing a song in falsetto for 90% of the song.  Geez. 

 

Kevin Covais – Soccer Mom Party

Okay, this kid looks like he's about 8 years old.  But he's a decent singer.  Every single mom in the universe will be voting for him.

 

Patrick Hall – Ballads

Totally wrong song.  He's got one of the prettiest voices, but he tried doing something different forgetting the fact that most people haven't heard his amazing pretty voice yet.  In the Hollywood auditions I really liked his voice. 

 

Taylor Hicks – Soul Rocker

He is the most unique contestant ever on the show.  He has gray hair and he sings like Ray Charles and Joe Cocker combined.  He is the 800-pound gorilla vote getter of the season. 

 

Will Makar – Generic

Boring.  Bye.

 

Okay here's the six who should move onto the next round:

Taylor Hicks, Patrick Hall, Kevin Covais, Bucky Covington, Chris Daughtry, Elliot Yamin.

 

Early picks for winner: Taylor Hicks, Paris, Kellie Pickler.

 

There you have it.  My insight into the first real round of American Idol – and all without consulting the dark mystical arts.