I'm sure most of you know this already, but the few of you who don't – I am a beastmaster. 

 

Last week Julia and I were walking our dachshund, Brutus, around our development when we noticed a dog roaming around the streets.  Being the loving and generous people we are we decided to apprehend the beast and try returning it to it's owner. 

 

As we approached we saw that the beast was actually a Pomeranian.  The most monstrous Pomeranian you had ever seen.

 

Here is a picture of the beast. 

There were two girls who worked for the housing association in a golf cart who saw the monster as well and we all worked together to corner and contain the demon-dog. 

 

So we chased it around and it would run away. 

 

One time we got really close and it stopped, looked at us, and then it was like, "Hey, oh wait.  Time out!  Time out!"  And then.  It pooped.

 

Okay, so what are you supposed to do when you are trying to capture a beast and it starts to poop?  Is that a good time because it's occupied?  Or is it a bad time because, well, cause it's pooping? 

 

I didn't take any chances.  I let poop. 

 

We finally cornered it, while it wasn't defecating, and the one girl occupied it with her shoe while I took our leash and bravely put it on the hellhound.

 

Victory!

 

I called the owner and he didn't even know that the dog got out of the house. 

 

So if you're not keeping score:

Conrad – 1

Animals – 0

 

The following week over at our new house, I'm parking and our next door neighbor has a ladder propped up against a tree and she shows me that her cat is stuck in a tree. 

 

I have no idea how a cat gets so high up in a tree.  The ladder was at high as it could go and then I had to go about ten feet above that.  But this is but a simple task for a ninja such as I.  It's kinda hard trying to get a cat out of a tree with one hand on the cat and one maneuvering down a tree when you're thirty feet off the ground - if you weren't trained in the killing arts like I. 

 

I saved a second creature in as many weeks.

 

Conrad – 2

Animals – 0

 
Somebody call the National Geographic Channel.  I need my own show.