My new thing is listening to DVD audio commentaries.  What got me started was of course the Lord of the Rings.  Now that I’ve listened to a numerous commentaries I have found that audio commentaries with the actors are completely useless and are only of value if they are humorous.  Everything said by an actor during their commentary is a variation of, “Oh, this actor is amazing.  They were a joy to work with.  Oh, look at what they do here.  Oh, that is amazing.  Incredible.”

 

So now I’ve learned my lesson.  If after the first five minutes, the actors are not telling jokes – hit the menu button and change it to the writer or director’s commentaries.  Now this is where the meat is at – I’m not quite sure what you’re supposed to do if you are a vegetarian. 

 

Writer and Director Commentaries are actually insightful.  But now I have concluded that they are actually crucial to fully understanding a movie.  You not only need to see what was in the movie, why it is in there, and the opposite -- what was not included and why.

 

Man, if my life had an actor audio commentary it would be like, “Oh, Conrad is amazing.  He’s such a joy to work with.  Look at him sitting at his desk for three hours straight.  Incredible. Amazing.” 

 

The writer commentary would be like, “Watch how Conrad wears the same clothes every week.  You see he does this because he’s too cheap to go out and get some decent clothes.  Okay, in this scene Conrad gets his car washed.  What you might not have caught on is that he hasn’t gotten his car washed in eight months.  So you can either think he’s cheap, lazy, doesn’t care about appearances, or all three.  Now in this scene Conrad is watching Return of the King.  Again.  Now why would he spend four dollars on nachos when he’s too cheap to get clothes or get his car washed?  It is because Conrad is a complex and multi-faceted individual.  Not everything he does will make sense to the common man.  He is beyond our earth logic.  He transcends our simple, linear thinking.” 

 

Okay, well my life wouldn’t really make an interesting DVD.  But I would throw in a lot of killer robots and some imitations of Jean Claude Van Damme -– then you’d HAVE to buy it.  Please buy it.  Maybe I’ll use the money to go out and buy a second shirt.