I am a safe driver.  Maybe not a good driver, but a safe driver. 

 

This is the way I drive – I imagine the other person making a mistake and I have to react to it saving my life and those around me.

 

So like if someone is driving in front of me and I see brake lights I'm assume they're slamming on their brakes and I react in a way that's safest.  Similarly, when I come to a stop, I typically check my rear view mirror, just to make sure the person behind me isn't going to come crashing into me. 

 

This mentality maybe saved me somehow. 

 

So I'm like in a 35-mile-an-hour zone probably going under cause I really am not in a hurry most times and I needed to make a left hand turn.  I expertly turn on my left hand blinker.  I can't turn immediately because I have to wait for a car that is coming the opposite way to pass, so I have to come to a stop.  Since I have a second (and out of habit) I double check to see that the person behind me isn't going to come crashing into me. 

 

And low and behold what do I see?

A speedy little car about to crash into me.

Conrad, oh Conrad what are you to do?

Hit the accelerator and pray to you know who.

 

That poem flashed through my mind.

 

But I guess my prayer to Santa Claus didn't work cause before I know it I am hit from behind. 

 

Fortunately I was able to gun the accelerator for about 3/4^th of a second so I got my car moving.  This probably saved something, maybe not my life, but a ton of hassle with insurance companies. 

 

So now I have to get out of my car. 

 

I have this mentality when it comes to crises – I try to act all calm and bored.  Really, it's just a check to make sure I don't lose it and freak out.  I also believe in not adding to the tension. 

 

So I slowly get out of my car and am like, "What up, my homies," to the 60 year old lady who hit me from behind.  (I didn't really say that – I'm paraphrasing.) 

So she's like all, "Why did you stop?"  And I'm all like "Um, cause I was turnin'."  And this lady from a third car who stopped was like all, "Yeah woman, he had his tizz-urn signal izz-on."  Then I was like "Oooh yeah, in your face."  And I dunked the football over the goalpost.    

 

So we checked for damage.  We didn't see much, but I don't care, I'm gonna get everyone's insurance info and telephone numbers.  So I'm like getting my information out of my car and guess what?  The third car leaves. 

 

I thought she just stopped by to be a witness or see if we were okay, but it turns out that she hit the second car, sending her into my car.  It was her fault and she leaves. 

 

So now if I try to get my car fixed, Geico will charge me a deductible, which they'll try to recover from State Farm (her insurance company) which will say it's the lady from the third car's fault, so they won't pay, so I'm out my deductible. 

 

I guess I'm going to have to live with two little marks that match the bolts from the second car's license plates.  Can you believe it?  It's like my car is ruined.  I might as well say my life is ruined.

 

So what have I learned today? 

 

If I ever get into an accident, make everyone get on the ground before I go get my information out of my car. 

 

I also learned that there are car seats for dogs. 

 

I also learned that whenever I talk about getting rear ended, I think about that episode in Beverly Hills 90210 when Brenda rear ends that lady and the lady was like all, "Ooh, my neck," but she was just like faking to get money out of the insurance company and Brenda was feeling all bad, so she went to the lady's house to bring her flowers or some crap and the lady didn't answer the doorbell so Brenda was concerned and looked in the front window and the lady was all like doing aerobics and was so busted.

 

I'm also guessing that most of you are too young to even remember that show.  Don't worry, the shows that were on television ten years ago is the same crap that's on television today.